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Dr. Eric Perry
252 Comments

Are You a Good Friend to Yourself?

Written by Dr. Eric Perry
Image Credit: Pixabay

“A friend is a gift you give yourself.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson

What kind of friend are you? Are you attentive, kind and compassionate or, are you neglectful, uncaring and critical? Scrolling through quotes on the internet, I was reminded of the immense value we place on friendship. Throughout the ages, the special bond that forms between two strangers has been the source of poetic inspiration and noble reflections. Often, the friendships we choose and nurture are more fulfilling and meaningful than familial relationships. The foundations of these friendships are forged one interaction at a time with each shared experience adding to the strength of the bond that provides us with a sanctuary from the turmoil of the world.

While many have written beautifully about the importance of having a loyal and forever friend, I believe that one type of friendship is often overlooked. This is the most important relationship you will ever have in your life; the one with yourself. Unfortunately, many of us forget or are unable to honor and respect ourselves. We may treat ourselves with little to no kindness or compassion. We may talk to ourselves in ways that we would never dare talk to our friends. After a perceived failure we may be the first to berate ourselves with a shower of unkind words such as “You are such a loser!”, “What is wrong with you?!”, “You never get anything right!” and many others. After a lifetime of self verbal abuse, this form of toxic self-talk becomes an automatic reaction to anything we perceive as a failure. Who needs enemies when we have this type of internal dialogue?

It is important to acknowledge that we have engaged in this type of behavior in order to put a stop to it. This type of self-talk often is unnoticed, since we have been doing it for most of our lives. Our earliest failures that perhaps were pointed out by our parents or others, activates an internal self-critical loop in our subconscious that we need to consciously deactivate. Life is difficult enough without having a toxic passenger in your head constantly pointing out your faults and failures.

The next time you make a mistake, reflect on the internal dialogue that is activated. For some, the internal critique is on pointing out everything you are doing wrong; seeing fault where perhaps there is none. Ask yourself if you would say the things you are saying to yourself to a friend who was in need. Also, what if someone spoke to you in such a negative way? I guarantee that you would think twice about having that person in your life.

In order to silence the negative talk, it is essential to cultivate a loving relationship with yourself. It takes practice and self-awareness, as well as, the ability to look at yourself from the outside. For example, say you become overwhelmed in crowds and are at a family gathering with a large group. As hard as you try, you are not able to fight the urge to flee. After you leave you are disappointed in yourself and the negative self-talk takes over. If you stop and look at the situation from the point of view of a loving friend your thoughts would be kinder and more accepting. Your friend would point out that you tried your best and not to be so hard on yourself.

You have to have compassion and kindness for yourself. No one is perfect and we all do the best we can with whatever obstacles come our way. Of course, it is important to acknowledge a fault, shortcoming or a mistake, but mentally beating yourself up is not going to help any situation. Give yourself the gift of a lifelong and loyal friendship by being a kind and compassionate friend to yourself.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

The thoughts expressed in this blog post are my own and are not meant to create a professional relationship with the reader. This blog does not replace or substitute the help of a medical professional. Please note, I am unable to answer your specific questions as I am not fully aware of all of the circumstances.

Kindly,
Dr. Perry

Copy of Dr. Eric Perry

“I help ambitious and high achieving individuals manifest a life of success and fulfillment in order to achieve the life they truly desire.”

Dr. Eric Perry | drericperry.com

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251 responses to Are You a Good Friend to Yourself?

  1. Littlesunshine says:

    Excellent post. I think I’m a very good friend but not to myself. I have to be more mindful of this. Thank you for reminding me.

    Liked by 23 people

  5. S.B. says:

    “Who needs enemies when we have this type of internal dialogue?” So true! Often time we are our own worst enemy!

    Liked by 19 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      Indeed. It is important to identify if our internal dialogue is potentially harmful so we can learn a healthier vocabulary. Thank you for your comment✨

      Liked by 4 people

  6. Bethula says:

    Wow, what a wonderful article you wrote Dr Perry. Only yesterday I had yet another great and heartful conversation with one of my dearest friends which showed what a great mirror on myself a friendship can be. And yes, the friendship to myself ‘gotta be good’ or else it’s reflecting something unhealthy back into the friendship hence the relation with this other human being. Thank you!

    Liked by 18 people

  7. Sammy says:

    Hi Dr. Perry, I useto tell myself such awful things whenever I made a mistake or if I felt I failed at something. I have learned to slow down and tell myself to have compassion for myself. I usually say it out loud to myself so I can snap out of the automatic thinking. It works!

    Liked by 16 people

  8. AlleyHerbuddy says:

    Fabulous post, absolutely right, even religious people forget the commandment
    “love thy neighbour as thyself,” refers to loving and accepting yourself as well as the way we treat others x

    Liked by 17 people

  9. Be Courageous! says:

    This post is so beautiful and true. Respect yourself!Honour yourself ! It’s truly the best gift. Showing yourself kindness is a strength many mistake for weakness. Thank you for the reminder Dr. Perry ⚓

    Liked by 18 people

  10. mackenzieferris says:

    I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past four years since getting divorced and moving half way across the country. As a single mom there was no time for friends and I’m actually grateful for that because I’ve learned to like my own company and be the friend that I really need.

    Liked by 15 people

  13. earthskyair says:

    The day someone spoke to me about learning self compassion changed my life. At the time, it was a concept I had difficulty understanding. So important. Thank you for another great post. 🙂

    Liked by 16 people

  15. agirlwhowrites says:

    A very important thing to remember, right there. I suppose one can only be a good friend to others only when one learns to be kind to oneself first.
    After all, most of the time, it’s negative internal chatter that prompts us to look negatively upon other people and doubt their motives.
    While it’s essential not to be gullible and utterly trusting, it also pays to be a little more loving and a little less judgmental.
    And that starts inside our heads.

    Liked by 20 people

  16. Susiewoo says:

    How serendipitous that you posted this as I’d just posted yesterday about inner voices and how I’m in the process of conquering mine. It can be a really hard process to learn to be kind to yourself and it’s a skill that I’m still polishing, owing to the fact that I keep finding long-hidden inner voices!

    Liked by 16 people

  19. Donna Cameron says:

    Completely agree that we need to befriend ourselves. I recently came across this unattributed quote about friendship: “Friendship is not about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said ‘I’m here for you’.” I think that applies to ourselves as well as to other people.

    Liked by 17 people

  21. Mrs.J says:

    Wonderful post. I think a lot of us forget to be kind to ourselves. I’m much older now and the one constant that has been with me is myself. It took some work but I am a good friend to me. I find at the end of the day all I need is myself.

    Liked by 13 people

  22. Maria says:

    Well said Dr. Perry! I love when I get an email with your latest post. I love your blog. Have a great day❤️

    Liked by 9 people

  23. shobhna says:

    Thank you for this post on friendships. Beautiful!
    I read a quote once that has stuck with me, “If I asked you to name all the people you love, how long would it take to name yourself”
    Its important to cultivate loving kindness for ourself and others.
    Have a wonderful day.

    Liked by 18 people

  26. queentracey1 says:

    From feeling invisible, and unimportant during my youth to being abused by everyone really, to marriage to an abuser due to fear and thinking” my son needs his father”, to now, being a woman who loves to help others, loves my house and husband , and mostly enjoying my time myself all the time without needing the radio or tv on, loving myself has been a 43 year old process that was filled with self sabotage and family who always starts with,” what did you do “, but it was sooo worth it. I am my own best friend and biggest fan! ( and just so you know, when he was about ten I told dear old dad, either call when u r sober or don’t call at all!, for my son, he was better off with out him, he still hasn’t called back)

    Liked by 11 people

  27. klrs09 says:

    Thank you. Timely words in my current state. I am not a good friend to myself – never have been. But I’m trying to change that.

    Liked by 11 people

  28. craftschronicillnessandadulting says:

    Couldn’t agree more and what a great reminder! Such great tools to keep on hand for when the going gets tough. On the worst days I will ask myself what I’d say to my younger self in that scenario and then I say it and let it sink in. It seemed silly at first but I’ve found it to be rather helpful. Thank you for another great post!!

    Liked by 14 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      You’re welcome! You suggestion is not silly at all. It’s actually a great way to see yourself through kinder eyes. Thank you so much for your comment✨

      Liked by 3 people

  29. carol hopkins says:

    Oh my – I could write a book on this! I spent a good third of my life with an inner judge/critic who could be the meanest S.O.B. you’d ever meet. I hungered for acceptance without truly accepting myself. The whole world could stand in line telling me how great or wonderful I was, but that inner voice would drown out all their voices in a remarkably short time.

    I learned – it took a long time, but I learned. It took a LOT of practice to be kind to myself; to hear that inner judge or critic and tell it that it was wrong. Compassion for oneself seems to be at an all time low in this world. I wish everyone experiencing low self-esteem could learn to be kinder, gentler with themselves. For it follows if you are critical of yourself; judgmental of yourself, you will be critical and judgmental of others. Self care does not equal selfishness.

    The world would be so much better, so much kinder, if we could follow your sage advice and be our own best friend!

    Thanks for the reminder yet again! And thank you for your generous heart!

    Liked by 10 people

      • carol hopkins says:

        You’re welcome. I’d just like to add that changing the thoughts that can keep us stuck is so liberating and so worth the effort. I am so much happier today than I was when I was mired in negative self-talk. Thank you again for the wonderful reminder to guard my thoughts.

        Liked by 4 people

  31. Nadine says:

    “If you stop and look at the situation from the point of view of a loving friend your thoughts would be kinder and more accepting. Your friend would point out that you tried your best and not to be so hard on yourself.” Yes! This is something I started doing the past year and it has helped a LOT. I have one friend in particular who is very encouraging. Whenever I feel terrible, I think of what she would say to me, and I use her imaginary words to replace what my inner critic is saying. “Give yourself the gift of a lifelong and loyal friendship by being a kind and compassionate friend to yourself.” Your articles are kind and compassionate and thus you’re also a good friend to your readers… thank you.

    Liked by 10 people

  32. onmamasmind says:

    Very timely post, thank you! This week, my goal has been to treat myself just as I would a friend in need of compassion and protection. It has worked so well I think I should extend it for another week, or perhaps for the entire 2019….Reading this was a good reminder to keep checking that inner voice.

    Liked by 11 people

  33. talesfromthemindofkristian says:

    I am always ready to be friends with people and once I am friends with someone, I stay friends, unless they decide otherwise.
    I am not always good at keeping in touch, but no amount of time or distance will stop me from picking up the friendship where it left off. I am always up for a chat.
    I am not a critical person but will offer my honest opinion if asked.
    I try to be friends with myself but I often do beat myself up about my faults, mainly my inertia due to anxiety.

    Liked by 10 people

  34. JanBeek says:

    How timely! I wrote a post this week about “Long-time Friends” and the value of friendship. But, in it I forgot to mention being our own best friend! My oversight! You reminded me that I need to “Give [my]self the gift of a lifelong and loyal friendship by being a kind and compassionate friend to [my]self.” I sometimes forget that. Thank you for the reminder, Dr. Perry. I can see I’m not the only one for whom this blog was a touching point!

    Liked by 10 people

  35. imghostlypale says:

    I love this. I’ve been struggling with myself recently. I’m trying to always be aware of my thoughts so I can direct them somewhere else if they become negative, but lately I feel like I don’t have much control over them as I did before. I spiral into talking down on myself and end up making myself feel like shit, I cancel plans that I had, I stop being productive and I seem to ruin everything then. I needed this post!

    Liked by 8 people

  36. The Mush from the Hill says:

    This is such a good post Doc and so true. I look in the mirror and I’m not happy with what I see for several reasons. Maybe it’s time to cast out demons that aren’t there. Thanks again 👍🏻😁.

    Liked by 9 people

  37. Socks in my Rocks says:

    As someone who grew up with these thoughts on the regular I can say that the way I was directed to correct this pattern was to think like my mom (or in other folks cases, a person who is a big part of your life and loves you) and talk like her when I talk to myself in times of self-criticism. If I tripped on a sidewalk she wouldn’t say, “Everyone is laughing at you now at how dumb and clumsy you are” She would say “It’s ok, just get up and pretend you did it on purpose.” (Sarcastic and loving is her way) You are right when you say that our friends and family would tell us we tried our best, and it should be practised by ourselves to say these things too.

    We are, after all, stuck with only one person for our entire lives, and that is ourselves. We need to treat ourselves with the respect and kindness we deserve. If we can do that, we will thrive.

    Liked by 9 people

  38. Jenny Baird says:

    Yes so true. When I am suffering, and acting as someone who suffers does, I like to remind myself that suffering hurts, and when I am in pain, it’s like talking to a 3 year old who didn’t get the toy they wanted. When I put it into perspective like this, it almost seems easy to navigate and they way I would talk to a 3 year old, needs to be the way I would talk to myself. With kindness, understanding, and a reminder that there will always be more “toys” and some stay and some go. A lesson of letting go is universal and timeless. No matter what age we are at.

    Liked by 11 people

  39. DorothyMarie says:

    I used to beat up on myself all the time prior to my divorce. But after that monumental event, I got to know the true me and she’s pretty darn wonderful! So I treat myself a whole lot better now. I take pictures of myself all the time and I smile and I see the beauty that so many have pointed out in the past that I never saw before. It’s so nice to have this improved relationship with myself. I love the new me, but no I’m not arrogant. Big difference.

    Liked by 9 people

  40. Sylie says:

    ” Who needs enemies when we have this type of internal dialogue?”
    Beautifully written, feeling so relieved and grateful that you have given this piece as a gift to the world. Human kind needs it the most. Thank you

    Liked by 9 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      It is a privilege to be read by those who follow my blog. I am happy to hear this resonated with you. Thank you for your comment✨

      Liked by 3 people

  41. unangreyna says:

    Very well said, Dr. Perry! Thanks for the inspiration. I’ve started to be friends with myself when I made a mistake and said “I’m really so stupid! I should have known better!” My then 4-year-old kid surprisingly said “Don’t say that, mommy! Have pity on yourself! I know you’re not stupid. You should know that, too!” ❤

    Liked by 9 people

    • Shaunelius Sterns says:

      Sometimes we put ourselves down without even realizing it, but our kids pay attention to it though. I am so glad that I have children who lift me up when I have put myself down in the past. Now, when I make a mistake, I think positive and move on.

      Liked by 1 person

  42. feliciathescribe says:

    I believe also that negative inner talk has a root, and it must be traced. ‘If’ the issue is found it must be dug up. And like a cancer, it must be removed. It stays in recession when we truly stay on top of it.

    Liked by 8 people

  43. livingonthebacksideoffifty says:

    What a perfect way to help us “see” how we often talk more down to ourselves than we would another person. Great points made in such a helpful way…hope I can use this idea with my young adult son, who loves his friends, but often criticizes himself way too harshly.

    Liked by 8 people

  44. Richard says:

    Great post and one that I needed to read. I tend to speak very harshly to myself whenever I make a mistake. I’m going to work on this ASAP.

    Liked by 9 people

  46. Wordcipher says:

    A lot of people are so harsh on themselves they forget that even if you want to be your biggest critic, you should not criticise yourself in an unloving way. The reality of this has driven many into depression. An avoidable mental stress upon the mind.

    Liked by 10 people

  50. Kristie Konsoer says:

    Great angle on being a friend to yourself. I enjoyed reading this post as friendships have been on my mind a lot lately.

    Liked by 10 people

  51. Sara Hoffman says:

    I wrote about the freedom I now feel after recently making a pact with Abba to let go of the shame I have carried since childhood. It was the root of my anorexia, alcoholism and drug addiction; not to mention my codependency in toxic relationships with narcissists. You make a difference, Dr. Perry. For that, I commend you~

    Liked by 10 people

  52. lifephotographic says:

    This is really great, next time I become ‘Toxic’ with myself I will make sure to come and find this post before putting myself down.

    As for friendships with others, I like to think I’m a loyal and honest friend who will put neck out the line for those closest to me, but in the past, I have found that I don’t receive the same back and often find myself neglected.

    It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve learnt to put myself first more and be more selective with who I choose to stick myself out for, while with others I’ve learnt to keep a different kind of friendship with, so if it fails I won’t be as hurt as I have been.

    Liked by 9 people

  53. thehappytypist says:

    I absolutely love this. I don’t recall the exact words of this quote, or who said it, but this post reminds me of something I read that said be careful how you talk to yourself. Because no one will talk to you more than you talk to yourself. As a person who has survived a multitude of toxic relationships, this was the most important lesson I have ever learned. And it requires intentional, daily practice to be kind to ourselves.

    Liked by 8 people

  55. Trupti says:

    What a wonderful post!!
    Thank you so much Dr. Perry for your insight, its always helpful….
    I must say You are “a beautiful soul, healing thousand souls”

    Liked by 8 people

  57. reesec says:

    Wow, this is beautiful and well written. I definitely need to reflect on my actions to not only be a good friend but also to be more loving towards myself. Thanks for this wonderful post!

    Liked by 8 people

  58. Erin W says:

    There’s a quote many people use, something like, “You will find no one more deserving of your love and affection than you,” misattributed to Buddha. But I was able to find a translation in Sanskrit text that is closer to the real thing: “Easy to do are things that are bad and harmful to oneself. But exceedingly difficult to do are things that are good and beneficial … Let one not neglect one’s own welfare for the sake of another, however great. Clearly understanding one’s own welfare, let one be intent upon the good.” Easier said than done in any language. : )

    Liked by 7 people

  60. Kristin says:

    Great post Dr. Perry! When my inner voice starts to criticize I tell it to stop and ignore it until it goes away. It’s works for me and I’m a pretty happy person! Love your blog.

    Liked by 6 people

  61. Jacqueline N. Tyes says:

    This post was Amazing. I couldn’t have said it better myself. This is an important issue— thank you for addressing it. I am a great friend to others but the very best friend to myself. Self-love, self-care and self-awareness are a few of the main issues I focus on in my daily interactions with people in person or in any of my platforms. Again this was great. Keep them coming!

    Liked by 6 people

  64. shelie27 says:

    I think I’m going to observe my thoughts the next time I make a mistake. I’ll see what kind of friend I’m with myself. Great article!

    Liked by 6 people

  67. Khan says:

    It took me a long time to master positive self-talk. I think of self-talk as a conversation between friends is a great way of looking at it.

    Liked by 5 people

  68. dawnhirn says:

    You are so right in this article. How often I berate myself for screwing up or forgetting something. I’ve even slapped my head in anger at having messed up something. You’ve written with wisdom. Thank you for the reminder to love myself more.

    Liked by 5 people

  72. Nat says:

    This is interesting. I’m always being told I put myself down and can’t accept compliments when they’re given but always tell others they’re special and beautiful. I’ve had low self esteem since my childhood. My Dad used to say that I changed at about 5 years old but we had no idea why. I’m trying to be kinder to myself and have improved a little – I say I’m growing into my own skin, some self acceptance in my late 40s.

    Liked by 5 people

  74. mariocarrt says:

    I always think to myself and say to others “You are your own worst critic” but I never listen to my own words. We don’t usually listen to our own words until someone else points it back to us. So thank you. Maybe this time I’ll listen and be nicer to myself.

    Liked by 5 people

  75. Mama Buzz says:

    Thanks for the reminder. This is very true. In order to silence the negative talk, it is essential to cultivate a loving relationship with yourself. I love it!

    Liked by 5 people

  76. midlifereflection says:

    You are absolutely right. This internal dialogue also makes us more prone to believing negative things others may say about us (to us) – and dismiss the many positive messages and encouragements we receive.

    Liked by 5 people

  78. Liola Lee says:

    I totally agree with your concept of treating yourself as you would a dear friend! You are correct in saying that we talk to ourselves in a way that we would never talk to our friends! I think we have to become aware of how we talk to ourselves so that we can change that dialogue and show compassion to ourselves, and of course be kind and loving! It is not selfish to put yourself first sometimes! By looking after yourself, you will be able to look after others! 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  82. Nassima says:

    Just this morning I was giving myself a hard time because ( well! After reading your post) I would say the reason for that is that I have been too honest and spontaneous with others, and this hurt me, so instead of comforting myself I shut it down😭 Thank you so much for this beautiful reminder Dr. Perry 🍀

    Liked by 5 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      I am happy this resonated with you – thank you so much for sharing your experience✨

      Liked by 1 person

  84. King Ben's Grandma says:

    Great post on such an important thing to remember! You’re right, we would never treat a friend the way we treat ourselves.

    Being kind to myself is something I have gotten much better at, but that little voice still tries to have it’s say.

    Liked by 5 people

  89. Tecihila says:

    Love your article! A person who is kinder and gentler to themselves, tends to display those same characteristics to the rest of the world.

    Liked by 5 people

  90. Liz says:

    Yes, I have one time been really bad with myself, giving the negtative self talk. I have memories from an adult doing this. (I don’t think I have done it before that.) So for some years I have really done nasty self-talk with myself.
    I have been working on this though for a number of years during the course of starting my blog I now write and a majority I am much kinder to myself. It’s just the odd occasions the talk is nasty and I am not kind to myself for a few seconds to a couple of minutes, that sometimes creeps in.

    Liked by 4 people

  93. missmiamess says:

    Reblogged this, and said this: “Ouch. This post resonates with me in so many ways. It’s a tough trick to accomplish, making friends with yourself. Almost harder than finding and making a good friend for real! I’m going to see if I can do it, though. I’m going to concentrate on learning all about myself (tough job, for someone with bpd) and see if she can forgive me for so many years of neglect and even abuse. As a Leo with borderline personality disorder, I’m pretty confusing, but even I admit I’d make a good friend…so why not start with myself? Thanks for an awesome post, Dr. Perry, I needed that!” 💖🦄💖

    Liked by 6 people

  95. thesunshinethagain says:

    A friendship with self is certainly an overlooked topic; one that’s seldom talked about and one that’s most important. Thanks for the great reminder to be gentle and kind to oneself! Great read.

    Liked by 5 people

  96. soulsmitten2020 says:

    Oh, Dr. Perry! I so appreciate this reminder. Thanks for writing on this topic. It seems that some of the most sensitive, compassionate people, those that don’t have any trouble being kind to others are also the hardest on themselves. Self talk is so automatic that it is hard to catch and even harder to change. I often think we even hang on to our negativity about ourselves, thinking it will produce change. Or productivity. Or humility. This post reminds me how important it is to let go of that. Appreciate your thoughts!

    Liked by 5 people

  97. LovingSummer says:

    I’m glad you say it takes practice. That somehow makes it more of a SMART goal, and therefore more achievable, because getting straightaway to the desired end-goal isn’t likely, and that can misconception [that you should achieve it immediately] can put a person off right from the start! Being practical and realistic about it – warning that it will take practice – helps a lot.

    Liked by 4 people

  98. seaangel4444 says:

    Insightful article that certainly made me stop and evaluate the internal dialogue that I’ve had on ‘auto-play’ for a very long time. Thank you, I needed to read this today. Cher 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  100. Content Catnip says:

    I so agree with this. Often this part of the self that is harmful and not loving comes from childhood and it can take a long time to heal the hurt but I am doing it. Wrapping myself in a hug xx

    Liked by 5 people

  101. josborne17602 says:

    Guilty as charged! I have always set my expectations for myself high about my expectations of others! I’m only now beginning the learn the self-talk that I am human and allowed to make mistakes; that I will make mistakes along the way no matter how much I try not to; that I can forgive myself for my mistakes even if others cannot. It took half my expected lifetime to begin this process, so I suspect it will be a journey throughout the rest of my life. Thank you for validating that I can be as kind and forgiving to myself as I am to others!

    Liked by 7 people

  105. dewofmay says:

    Timely post Dr. Great article. Only when we learn to love ourselves first, can we love then learn to love others. This is a lesson I wish someone had taught me when I was younger. It’s not about being selfish but for those like me who are selfless, we tend to forget to take it easy on our own selves. Thank you for this post.

    Liked by 5 people

  107. paulguisbournehiltonalifeworthgiving says:

    I think that everything you have said makes perfect sense and I have found that many people I have come across do not recognise the need to have a relationship with self.
    I think that sometimes this is because of learnt behaviour and the lowering of self esteem through the constant barrage of criticism that we face and I also think that many people focus upon negatives and failure rather than experience and feedback.
    Developing a positive relationship with self requires time, focus and introspection and can be a very painful process.

    Liked by 5 people

  109. Rida J says:

    Agreed! I am working on more positive thoughts and pep talks so that I can heal the friendship I have with myself. We can be our own worst enemy. Thanks for the post.

    Liked by 5 people

  110. parikhit dutta says:

    This is so well written. Indeed, we tend to get very hard on our own selves, seldom forgiving ourselves, berating oneself and being unfriendly! Certainly if I make amends with my own place, peace will make amends with me 🙂 Thank you for this.

    Liked by 5 people

  111. theresaly520 says:

    Dr.Perry, this is such a necessary message and reminder. I frequently am quite hard on myself when I wouldn’t even think about treating a friend in the same manner. It’s such a peculiar thing! I want to help friends who go through the same. Thank you!

    Liked by 4 people

  116. marycaezar says:

    I have been a self-loathed person. And this makes me realize the lack of kindness that i should have for myself. It made me, quite a bit, feel guilty. Makes me think like, “If I could be kind to my friends, then why not to myself.”

    Thank you for this Dr. Perry.

    Liked by 3 people

  120. VitaminC-GreenTea says:

    This is a great reminder. I’m so hard on myself and tend to focus more on my faults. I would never let a friend talk to me the way I talk to myself

    Liked by 2 people

  121. a l anzalone says:

    Your words are inspiring. Thank you for such a timely post. The photo for this piece made me wonder if you might consider writing about the value of pet friends – and perhaps how best to cope with the loss of such dear friends.

    Liked by 2 people

  122. Kyia Sada' says:

    I can honestly say that when I turned 30, I started to be a better friend to myself. I’ve learned to not beat myself up over things that I gave a try despite the outcome.

    Liked by 2 people

  125. Maren Cronin says:

    Excellent topic. I think many of us are unreasonably hard on ourselves. We strive to treat others with such kindness, yet beat ourselves up in a way we would never imagine inflicting on another human being. I am striving to use this social distancing time to be kinder to myself.

    Liked by 2 people

  127. krish says:

    So true…
    Accepting and loving yourself ..
    Being your own bestie…matters a lot..but not many understand..
    Regards

    Liked by 3 people

  128. nfa7 says:

    This is such a heartwarming post, Dr. Perry! We are so hard on ourselves but if a friend said the same things to us, that we usually tell ourselves, we would remove that friend from our lives. Yet that is reality, especially due to what you said about it being expressed to us at a young age by people close to us, (probably to tell us when we are wrong), but we subconsiously hold on to it and later talk to ourselves in a similar negative language..
    I appreciate how you remind us to treat ourselves like we would expect a good friend to treat us..that we should first make it a habit to try and become our own best friend..
    The article is inexplicably well written 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing it with us..

    Liked by 4 people

  129. The Guat says:

    This was such a great post! I remember learning this lesson a while back it was a hard lesson with a lot of frustration and sadness. After losing friends to distance, marriages, busy family schedules. I was left without a best friend and came to this very realization you talk about. It was a hard hit but I learned. I learned that I always enjoyed hanging with myself. I’m a really good friend! Just need to remember to be more compassionate and kind with myself as I am with others. I’m trying. Thanks for the reminders.

    Liked by 4 people

  134. Susan Romanenghi says:

    Eleanor Roosevelt has said the very same things that you point out here. You are in good company. Here it is: “Friendship with one’s self is all important; because without it, one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

    Liked by 3 people

  137. thesupermode says:

    I agree to each and every word of this post. The ability to be gentle and compassionate towards our own self can’t be developed overnight, it requires effort and practice. Whenever something goes wrong in our life, our initial reaction is always to blame and feel sorry for ourselves. The treatment would be completely different when it comes to dealing with a family member or close friend who is going through a similar issue. The only constant companion in our life who is present with ourselves 24*7 is our mind. Life would be so much better if we learn to harbor loving and positive thoughts in our mind. After being hard on myself for years, I’m learning everyday to be patient with myself. It’s requires consistent practice and perseverance however I get back to it each time as it gives out a happy and content feeling with my life. Who doesn’t want that?

    Liked by 2 people

  138. Syamala Rani says:

    Beautiful post! ‘….Talk to your self daily other wise you will miss a wonderful person in this world’…I love this quote! Relationship with self is most important really which often ignore!

    Liked by 2 people

  139. Gypsy says:

    Awesome post. Ever since I realized that critical self talk is the major reason for low moods, I have had a much better thought and emotional life.

    Liked by 2 people

  140. Phanthomias says:

    Absolutely true! I’m getting better in this, but also still struggle from time to time, as the inner critic is sometimes so loud. But the first step is to be aware of it! I guess i’m on my way…

    Liked by 2 people

  142. louis11725 says:

    This is a good post. I like the “internal Dialogue” and “Negative Talk” concepts.
    I have also seen in many quite the opposite where there is a narcissistic view of self, where they do no wrong, false praise of self and act like everything they do is the correct way of doing things.
    The post reminds me of having positive lifestyle balances, taking mistakes as learning experiences, not acting like I am right nor wrong all or most of the time.
    I like reading posts like this. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  148. CuriousKeds says:

    Thanks for this post! It’s indeed a reminder that we need less negative self talk and turn this around into more positive self talk. We easily tend to criticize ourselves about the slightest decisions we make.. that’s why being positive friend to myself is very much needed. It can definitely have an impact on our mental well-being.. Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  150. Dur E Sameen says:

    Such an incredible idea, written beautifully. Simply fantastic! I never really pondered on that until I underwent psychotherapy and realized that in order to be myself and to not let the negative world dominate me, I must have good relationship with the inner hero(as Dean Graziosi calls it so) and battle that villain in order to live at peace and enjoy!
    Thank you for this amazing piece!

    Liked by 2 people

  151. Urmi says:

    What a great read, Dr. Perry. Indeed the self-critical loop playing in our minds can be very demeaning to our growth. This is just a reminder that kindness starts within us. Thank you for bringing this out beautifully.

    Liked by 2 people

  153. cheriewhite says:

    Such a wonderful and insightful post, Dr. Perry. I needed to read this! Thank you for posting! I used to be horribly critical of myself all the time when I was younger. Thank goodness I’m getting better at showing myself some love.

    Liked by 2 people

  155. My Praying Heart says:

    Great post. I am learning that I was never a good friend to myself yet expecting others to be an even better friend to me. So this my journey currently… finding me. Thanks for sharing and giving a safe space to share our thoughts

    Liked by 2 people

  156. Mahum Farooq says:

    Good post! I like your thought which is very much true, we all are in need of being a good listening friend to ourselves. Keep sharing your thoughts, they really help!

    Liked by 3 people

  157. twistingsuburbia says:

    Great post. I have battled the EIC for…well, forever. I finally started reminding myself (and loved ones) to “be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.”

    Liked by 3 people

  160. musingsofmanettekay says:

    This is a very good message for those who have the inner dialogue loop of negativity constantly playing. Thanks for sharing the wise advice with the rest of us. Thanks for checking out my blog. Blessings!

    Liked by 3 people

  161. Morvydd says:

    I think you are absolutely right, we are often more critical of ourselves than others would be. I believe this could sometimes be the result of internalising critical feedback we have received as children, especially if we grew up in an environment that was not a nurturing as one would wish.

    Liked by 3 people

  163. sorchagrisewood says:

    This definitely resonated with me right now. I’ve always been very hard on myself, I’m the person that people always tell not to ‘beat myself up’ and have struggling with my mental health. Something that always occurs to me is that men don’t seem to struggle with self esteem issues to the same extent as women- I mean I know men do have issues of course and I know that rates of suicide are higher in young men in certain countries- but I think that research has shown that rates of anxiety and depression are higher in women…I wonder if it’s because of our social conditioning, being brought up to be ‘good’ and ‘kind’ and put others first, whereas men don’t receive those same messages growing up and are socialised to be more aggressive….just a thought… Anyway, I’m probably rambling here but this was a good post and a good reminder to not be so tough on myself!

    Liked by 4 people

  166. josborne17602 says:

    As always, you make valid points in your posts. We learn the negative self-talk over the course of time, so it’s not an instant recovery once we decide to be kinder to ourselves. I’ve been trying to learn this over the last several years, and only recently was there a time when I was struggling with something and easily admitted that I was being kind to myself in handling the struggle. Thanks again for your valuable insight!

    Liked by 2 people

  168. Declan Taggart says:

    Great post. Something I have thought about a lot recently. The negativity we carry in the way we talk to ourselves and how this is completely inconsistent with the support we show to other people, is so counterintuitive. But could the lack of honesty and ‘tough love’ received from others, in favour of blind support as a way of avoiding conflict (choosing to comfort others short term, over giving valuable advice), mean that we take it upon ourselves to be extra self critical… because we rarely receive criticism from the ones closest to us. Almost as if we are trying to overcompensate. We also could be aware that others are extra charitable in their response to our behaviour, therefore expect the truth to be much more negative.. It’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this.

    Liked by 3 people

  169. Fiona says:

    Gosh this is exactly how I talk to myself, it is very rarely that I talk to myself as a good friend should. I will definitely take this on board – thank you 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  170. The Strong Traveller says:

    This is such an essential message and also overlooked the most. Loving oneself and feeling complete is a important skill which if developed leads to a lot of positivity in life. From loving ourselves we can derive confidence and then confidence can push us through any kind of challenges. Friendship with oneself is one of most important feature to be developed. Thanks Doctor for reminding us of this because we often forget about it with time.

    Liked by 2 people

  171. Alexis Wittman says:

    Lovely. I am not a party person- at least those big holiday parties. I’d get all fancied up and drive there… only to chicken out and head home again. Your Lovely post reminds me to love myself enough to be okay about this. Thanks. It’s funny. My method of accommodating this quirky nature is to throw parties myself!! Then I have a reason to keep busy avoiding small
    Talk.

    Liked by 2 people

  176. Shaunelius Sterns says:

    You are absolutely right. You hit the nail right on the head. You did not miss one point. You told it like it was. Great post. Keep giving useful information. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  177. saymber says:

    Home is where your heart is – your heart and not everybody else’s. It’s important to be at home within yourself. That’s something I’m working on with God, my spirit guides and my therapist….”I am home.” Great and timely post!

    Liked by 1 person

  178. MichelleMarie says:

    “Life is difficult enough without having a toxic passenger in your head constantly pointing out your faults and failures.” You have many amazing statement in this Dr. Perry. I love your writing.
    I was thinking of my friend who calls me when she feels overwhelmed at a party and is ready to bolt. I do remind her what an awesome person she is and how holidays are always a stressful time for her and it’s okay to leave. We do the same for each other but not always is she or available, so being your own best friend, in this case, is such a beautiful thought. I love this post. It’s the first thing I read this morning. Have a beautiful day. 💕💖 Micki

    Liked by 1 person

  179. Janice Reid says:

    Totally agree, sometimes we can be our worst critic and so unforgiving of ourselves. I like the self-talk too; I have actually been doing that for over a year now to control some of my negative thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  180. kmoser56 says:

    I believe I was “taught” that others were more important. In a Christian background: JOY was Jesus-Others-You and I became so obsessed with serving everyone else, I forgot about me. It hit me after about 20 years that I ignored (in my Christian world) the 2nd commandment: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” If I cannot love myself, no one else will. Yes, we have to “take care of me.” I am the only one who truly knows what I need. I ended up leaving to fix my life. I could’ve fixed it without leaving, but the tools I had at the time I felt were the only ones that worked. We are important. Not selfishly, but if we aren’t careful, it can end up that way, out of sheer necessity.

    Liked by 1 person

  181. Susan says:

    These posts are amazing, well done and thank you so much for the skilful way you articulate these topics. ‘Your world will follow your idea about yourself. First comes your thought about yourself, then follows the outer world.’
Neale D.Walsch

    Liked by 1 person

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