Posted by
Dr. Eric Perry
172 Comments

What Are You Willing To Allow?

Written by Dr. Eric Perry
Image Credit: Pixabay

Unfortunately, there are individuals who believe they are doomed to duplicate past mistakes and to repeat the same pattern of negative experiences. They mistakenly believe that it is their fault or their destiny to attract negative behaviors from others.  They expect to experience and accept horrible behaviors from people they have allowed into their intimate circle of friends. Throughout their lives, their personal boundaries have been chiseled away to the point that they are nonexistent or minimal. Without healthy personal boundaries, they have adapted to allow toxic behaviors. They have become highly tolerant and resistant to behaviors that would cause individuals with healthy boundaries to sound the alarm and run.

It is important to point out that the allowance of negative behaviors, from people in your life, is not because of a law of attraction but has everything to do with the law of allowances. What negative behaviors are you willing to allow from the people who surround you? It can be as simple as allowing a person to take a week to respond to your text. Or, it can be as serious as allowing abusive behaviors in your relationships. Much of the allowances you permit have their origins in your childhood. If you were raised to believe that you do not deserve much then you will expect little. Also, you will tend to repeat patterns in your relationships due to your law of allowances.

Repetition of negative behaviors originates in your negative core belief. What you hold true about yourself is a result of a pattern of behaviors that you have experienced. If you have only known toxic behavior from loved ones then this is all you will ever expect. For example, if you have never known kindness and compassion in a loving relationship, such as that with your parents, you will not know to expect it. You cannot expect something you have never seen.

As children, we learn the initial rules of relationships from our parents. They are our earliest role models as to what to expect in our own interactions with people. We learn by watching how our parents interact with each other and most importantly how they interact with us. If your parents did not respect and foster your boundaries then you may grow up thinking you do not deserve to have healthy boundaries. We learn to mirror the behaviors that we experience. For example, if your parents constantly exhibited inappropriate or aggressive behaviors towards you and had little or no respect for your personal boundaries then we will tend to gravitate towards relationships that mirror the relationship you had with your parents. It is important to reflect on our earliest relationships to discover the source of our lack of healthy boundaries.

It is possible to unlearn our earliest childhood lessons. Awareness is a key element for learning how to establish boundaries in all of our relationships. Eventually, each healthy interaction we have will represent a brick to build a wall to shield us from unacceptable behaviors.

I would like to know what negative behaviors you allow in your life that you need to stop. It is important to heal from past negative relationships and to learn not to repeat the same behaviors you have allowed. I would love to hear your thoughts on this post.

The thoughts expressed in this blog post are my own and are not meant to create a professional relationship with the reader. This blog does not replace or substitute the help of a medical professional. Please note, I am unable to answer your specific questions as I am not fully aware of all of the circumstances.

Kindly,
Dr. Perry

Copy of Dr. Eric Perry

“I help ambitious and high achieving individuals manifest a life of success and fulfillment in order to achieve the life they truly desire.”

Dr. Eric Perry | drericperry.com

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172 responses to What Are You Willing To Allow?

  1. Maria says:

    Amazing post. As a child I was not allowed much expression. As an adult I found myself in relationships where my growth was stunted. I have finally reached a point in my life where I do not make excuses for bad behavior. Thank you

    Liked by 19 people

  4. toniannlacrette says:

    This is actually exactly what I needed to read right now. I have been on this journey of implementing boundaries with many people in my life for a while now. It feels so unnatural that I still worry that I am being ‘mean’ every time I do it. Recently I had to tell a guy friend of mine that I needed him to reply to my messages quicker, and that I needed him to make a plan to see me. (its been 2 weeks since I saw him last, and I have just moved to his city so felt like I needed his support a bit more) In the past when I have stated needs like this I have been labelled as ‘needy’ – but I understand this was by people who did not respect me and were only interested in abusing and taking advantage of me. I did not know any better until I was left devastated by a romantic partner who disappeared on me for the last time, after doing this repeatedly throughout our relationship. Unfortunately expecting people to leave me is a pattern learnt from my childhood, and so I have ended up with many people in my life who repeatedly emotionally and/or physically abandon me in a multitude of ways…I’m working on it 😉 Thanks for a great post

    Liked by 24 people

    • HarleyQ2 says:

      I recently had to do a final reset of some boundaries with someone in my life and it is hard. I felt like I was being mean; however, I recognize that I am doing this for me (I am first) instead of putting the other person first. Be strong on your journey. It feels so good to putting my boundaries back in place.

      Liked by 12 people

  5. MoonGirl says:

    Loved the post! While reading I realized that it is a circle of negative behaviours where I am not only allowing it to happen but also sometimes I am doing it. For example, the simplest example you mentioned which is replying to a message after a week! I tend to do that with people sometimes, and I know its because of a fault of my own. I tend to be lazy, procrastinate or maybe taking them for granted, not respecting their time etc.
    On the other hand, I have been observing lately the kind of negative behaviours I allowed before in my life, bad treatment from a boss or a co-worker for example. I usually didn’t comment or raise a flag when i see such behaviour taking place in my life, but I am trying to speak it out loud, make it clear that these type of actions are not tolerated any more.

    Liked by 11 people

  6. Kimi says:

    I first had to recognize the source of these behaviors (Both born out of childhood trauma about my worth and my expectations). Now, I am constantly working hard to recognize when they are overwhelming me and then sort out what’s really behind it.

    Liked by 12 people

  8. After The Party says:

    I literally just wrote a blog about finally putting my foot down with my daughter. I didn’t go into the specifics, but I realized that my “help” in her life was actually harmful to her own growth process, and accepting her bad behavior harmed not only me, but her as well. It doesn’t change our dysfunctional past, doesn’t fix anything. I learned in recovery that making an amends means not just saying you are sorry, but trying to change your behavior. Allowing flagrant dysfunction to go on in my life does not jibe with that. I can get down on that level, or I can extricate myself from the situation, which is what I had to do. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt! But boy, oh boy…learning about boundaries for the first time in your life when you are in your forties is not an easy thing to do. Holding them under pressure is even harder. The only thing that keeps me steady is knowing that this will ultimately lead to the best outcome for both of us. Still, it’s painful being shut out of someones life because you decided to stand up for yourself.

    Liked by 15 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      It’s never too late to learn and apply healthy boundaries. You are the right path. Don’t let anyone make you question your boundaries✨

      Liked by 2 people

  9. JR says:

    I really enjoy your articles, Dr. Perry. Because they always seem to come at just the right time. I’m (re-)learning to not apologize for being me. These are my beliefs, my fears, things I like / hate. Take it or leave it. It’s still uphill work, but it’s kicking in more and more. In my teens and twenties I lived by that attitude, and I felt much better. Also, and this one is really weird (and definitely something I need to work on still), allowing tall blond men to bring out the feeling that I’m not good enough. Growing up o lived in a very anti-Semitic and xenophobic town in Germany. I used to say later that all the Nazis who didn’t make it to South America settled there. I had to keep that Jewish part hidden, but people picked up on it. My father was a Holocaust survivor, so I’m sure that factored in as well. Even though he was the first to say that not all Germans are alike, and that just because someone’s parent or grandparent had been a Nazi, doesn’t mean they are one as well.

    They weren’t all tall and blond, but I knew enough about Nazi ideology for that picture to fester. To this day I still hate Germans with a passion (even though I know not everyone is the same), and I still allow every German I meet to bring out that fear.

    Liked by 11 people

  10. Ilka says:

    I needed to stop believing what I heard from my mother almost every day as a child: I’m exhausting, I’m ungrateful, I’m just make her life miserable, I am nothing, I can nothing, I’m worth nothing.
    I don’t remember how I managed that. I can only say that it was a very long inner journey and it really needed a near-dead experience to escape that negative mindset.
    Writing in public was certainly not on my wish list, but I’m learning through it that I can show myself to the world without fear. I didn’t expect to find such a supportive and positive community here! ❤

    Liked by 19 people

  12. Livingtothelimit says:

    Great post! I needed to read this and to work on setting healthy boundaries in my life. Thank you Dr. Perry. You blog is beautiful❤️

    Liked by 11 people

  13. Thrivinginthesunstate says:

    It hasn’t taken me years to unlearn the toxic lessons I learned from my family. I thought I was not good enough, damaged, crazy, ugly and lots of other horrible things. Once I moved away from my family I realized how wrong they were about me. I let go of the past and I learned my own truths. I want to take a moment to thank you Dr. Perry. I have been following you for a while and I always learn something from your post. Stay blessed ❤️

    Liked by 16 people

  16. cmdnaturephotos says:

    This post is so meaningful to me. I finally dis-allowed my mother and sisters to continue to create chaos and misery in my life. I haven’t had any contact with them for 7 years, and my life is so much better without them. I have wonderful friends, an amazing son, daughter-in-law and grandson, good neighbors. I don’t need the constant criticisms and their apparent need to control me. Thank you for this post!

    Liked by 15 people

  17. earthwalking13 says:

    I’m really grateful that you made this distinction between attraction and allowances. I felt that something was wrong with the concept of attracting negativity but did not have any perspective on how to explain this 🙂

    Liked by 14 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      Hi Harold, you are correct. The law of attraction suggests there is no control over what we allow in our lives. We have decide what we allow in our lives. Thank you for your comment✨

      Liked by 5 people

      • earthwalking13 says:

        When I was much younger, I seemed to follow along with others and found myself in a few bad situations. That seems to be a big lesson we have in this life is learning when to say no when those negative influence present themselves 🙂

        Liked by 7 people

  18. Jawsh says:

    I’m in recovery from alcohol and addiction related to cocaine .. I moved back home to focus on my recovery and have several months of much needed sobriety under my belt.. but my father will not admit he has his own issues with alcohol and my sobriety seems to be triggering him and his wife.. as in my heightened perception and awareness because of my sobriety is enabling me to see everything with such perspective they are becoming insecure and basically being triggered by my “healthy lifestyle” I’ve made some serious progress and shifts and that threatens them or makes them uneasy because they are unwilling to change or go the distance themselves for themselves which is kinda sad but its expected.. this path has hardly been easy but the more I work at it which I’ve been doing for some time the easier it does get nowadays anyway .. at first it was daunting and seemed like little to no progress would ever be made or had.. coming up on 6 months here soon 🙂

    Liked by 14 people

  19. back2basicsliving says:

    Excellent piece. One thing I make an effort to do is to cut negative people out of my life. That may be selfish but I think it is selfish in a positive, self protective way.

    Liked by 14 people

  21. Elevated Living says:

    I can completely relate to this post. Watching my mom allow men to treat her any kind of way, kind of set the tone for the type of relationships I would have. The only thing is now that I’m older, it is becoming less and less important for me to be in a relationship. The only thing I’m concerned about now is me and making me happy. I know it may be a little late. But I rather be late then not come to realize it at all.

    Liked by 15 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      Thank you for sharing your truth. It is never too late. Focus on what makes you happy✨

      Liked by 4 people

  22. J.Stone says:

    Absolutely incredible post! This reached out and grabbed my attention on a very deep personal level..
    I think you just became my new therapist 🔥👌

    Liked by 13 people

      • J.Stone says:

        I’m only kind to those who are kind, and to everyone who brings as many positive vibes to this world day after day! Which isnt very many for my life… You help restore some hope for the light, in an extremely darkened world.
        So I do bid you many thanks and wishes of good health for you, and your family as well! Please continue to inspire every individual reading these highly useful articles you write n share to all of us out here, (and in the future)
        You may save more lives then you know! ..
        Stay safe doctor… They know of your talent, they know you spread the Light.
        Their team will invest quite a lot more than average in recruiting you, stopping you..
        Censoring any and all truth to your answers to the fabric of personality which is a very thin invisible cloth floating somewhere and everywhere throughout our brain at the same time..you are a great man. Believe

        Do. Not. Accept.
        (remember your purpose)

        Liked by 6 people

  23. Kayla Stierwalt says:

    This post hits home! You make a good point and in an uplifting way. I continue to struggle with several mental health issues and past experiences. My relationship with my mom is one I have to reconsider constantly. As a child, I learned to hide my pain as though it didn’t exist. Now I have to pass the invalidation and denial and face the issues so I can live the best I can. I’m learning to fight the doubt in my head with truth.

    Liked by 12 people

  24. Lisa@LismorePaper says:

    I had the most wonderful childhood and my parents are still my best friends. My husband had the complete opposite experience. Thankfully, he didn’t continue this cycle into his adult life within our family. When he was around his family, I could see his downward spiral as he took the belittling and somewhat aggressive behavior towards him. He has learned over the years this is not ok, and recently pushed back. It truly was the most freeing experience. Negativity has no soil to grow in him anymore. I read this to him and it affirms his actions. Great piece! Thank you!

    Liked by 11 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      Hi Lisa I am so happy this was helpful to your husband. He is on the right path. Thank you so much for your comment✨

      Liked by 2 people

  25. Ashwini Nawathe says:

    This is an amazing post. I finally understood what was happening to me a few years back. Thankfully my parents and close family supported me through the journey. But the experience has left a scar, and now I prefer to keep my safe emotional distance from people.

    Liked by 10 people

    • Dr. Perry says:
      Author

      Thank you. I am happy this post resonated with you. Healthy boundaries are necessary for any relationship✨

      Liked by 1 person

  27. Covert Novelist says:

    With some, it’s easy to set boundaries. With others, not so much. Family can be the most difficult because everyone wants acceptance and to be needed and not shunned. Some don’t know how to agree to disagree and conflict arises. Glad you posted this. It’s a great reminder for one and all. :)_

    Liked by 10 people

  28. Rayne says:

    It was only through therapy and my relationship with my therapist that I learned about healthy boundaries. It’s been the best lesson I’ve ever had. The therapeutic relationship is so very important if we’ve had a lack of adequate nurturing and relationships in our early years. I still struggle with boundaries, but I learn with every relationship now and it feels so good knowing that I’m allowed to choose who and what I let into my life and space.

    Liked by 11 people

  29. Tina says:

    “For example, if you have never known kindness and compassion in a loving relationship, such as that with your parents, you will not know to expect it. You cannot expect something you have never seen.”

    This really speaks to me, especially the last sentence: “You cannot expect something you have never seen.” Indeed! This makes showing others, love, compassion, kindness and mercy even more important. If you want to see change in someone’s heart you have to be something that they haven’t seen.

    Thanks for sharing Dr. Perry! You’ve inspired me today!

    Liked by 11 people

  30. suemarshall6211 says:

    Yes, I too have had boundary issues. I sometimes forget and begin to slide back, but not near as far or as often anymore. Love the the description of viewpoint between Laws of attraction and Laws of allowances. This concept is what has finally made it simpler to change the behaviors I allow. Thanks.

    Liked by 11 people

  31. kawsreflections says:

    This post is me to a T. I allowed my father to be rude to me and say horrible and nasty things to me. The worst part is that he also says them to other family members as well and it has made me feel like dirt. I feel like I’ll never do what I want to do. I don’t want his approval by any means, but I feel that he doesn’t care about me or love me. Real love is taking other people’s feelings into consideration and he doesn’t do that at all. Recently I have begun to feel that I didn’t truly forgive him for stuff he did to me. So I’m going to create space between us so I can work on myself and these issues. I’m going to be getting counseling and dealing with these issues head-on. I finally have had enough of him treating me like this. I’m not a doormat. I’m his daughter. He has NO right to treat me this way. I have to stand up for myself. This is the only way to do that. I can’t wait to see what happens next. Thank you for sharing this post. I loved it. I needed this. I truly did. Thank you, Dr. Perry.

    Liked by 9 people

  32. carol hopkins says:

    Personal boundaries were an issue for me in some ways. I used to think I had to answer questions people would pose, even very intrusive and personal questions until a friend and I were discussing this issue and she told me she would always respond, “why do you need to know that?” I started using her tactic and found it worked beautifully, because for many people it is idle curiosity or just plain nosiness – and only hurts us, and sometimes others as well. Now, if the answer to my question fails to satisfy me I refuse to answer theirs.

    I especially liked your thoughts on the law of allowance. “It is important to point out that the allowance of negative behaviors, from people in your life, is not because of a law of attraction but has everything to do with the law of allowances.”

    It takes a fair bit of reflection to discover what I allow and why.

    I have also heard it said that we teach people how to treat us, and I have found that to be true, and very helpful. Today I do my best to teach people to treat me with respect.

    Liked by 9 people

  33. righteousbruin9 says:

    I was raised by a loving, intense mother, who still takes her self-worth from how she raised us. She’s a bit frail now, at ninety, but has all her faculties, otherwise. It does my heart good to see her do anything wholesome and positive, for her own enjoyment, after a lifetime of giving to others. Both of my parents were involved, Dad being thrown off by the constant pressure to work-even overtime. What time he had with us was golden. So, I am one of those fortunates who, despite being mildly autistic, has lived a productive life and following my mother’s example, gives back to others-always within my means. When I have encountered people, especially women alone, who seem to have nothing but difficulty, I don my chivalry suit and work at being a good friend. The last time, a few months ago, was a disaster-like your reader “Quirkenstein”, whom I have never met, this woman had a narcissistic mother, and a history of horrible interpersonal relationships. She was savaged by wounded healers, as well. These things led her to see the cup of life as half-empty, so every small mistake I made was amplified, in her mind. The friendship was not romantic, so I was not let down, when she banned me from her life. I just wish her well.

    Liked by 9 people

  34. IsitsomethingIsaid says:

    This post really resonated with me. I am dreading going home for Christmas. It’s as if they see me like I was 12! This year I am going in loaded with healthy info like this post and I am insisting they respect my boundaries or I am leaving. Thank you for everything you do Dr. Perry.

    Liked by 10 people

  35. Stella says:

    I LOVE that you explain that the negative stuff that comes into our lives has nothing to do with the law of attraction but it has to do with the law of allowances! It’s so true. I personally do not believe I have somehow magically attracted the negativity that has come into my life. I have to own the fact that I am responsible for what I allow into my life. Thank you!

    Liked by 11 people

  37. countryheartspark says:

    So true that our experiences go back to our childhood, good and bad, sometimes without that realisation. My worst negative behaviour was doubting my self-worth and using negative self-talk. But I can happily say that I have shifted my mindset and tackled this issue in my life. I am happy to say that I like the person I have found as I have peeled back those layers. Your words can be very powerful, thank you.

    Liked by 12 people

  39. Deb / Being Aunt Debbie says:

    I was always stifled by my mother when I was a kid. In my teen years, things didn’t get any better. My opinions were not important, what I wanted was never a consideration. I carry that with me all the time thinking that what I have to say is unimportant. It’s a rough road.

    Liked by 11 people

  42. Phyllis Rogers says:

    I’m glad to read this post tonight. I’ve always been complimented for having great insight. After reading this, however, I realized my insight had not included how damaged I was in this area when I was a child.
    Recently I was challenged by a grandchild I have done way too much for. In fact I’ve gotten in God’s way. When I decided to withdraw my financial help, she was extremely abusive. She even said something so incredibly hurtful I couldn’t believe it. She said, “You’ve not only lost a son this year (referring to her uncle who died in September) you’ve lost a grandchild.”
    As you can imagine I was hurt deeply, but I will not be abused and I let her know.
    It’s a pattern as you said. I knew no feeling of value when I needed that the most.
    I hope those reading this won’t neglect themselves as long as I have.

    Liked by 10 people

  45. Lostinlalaland says:

    Excellent article. As you say, it comes down to boundaries and what you allow people to do. Thank you for another great post.

    Liked by 8 people

  47. JanBeek says:

    I am not aware of any negative behaviors that I “allow” in my life… unless it is (hmmm… I can’t even finish that sentence). I can’t control other’s actions or attitudes, but I can control mine – and like you, I choose to set healthy boundaries and stick to them (well… at least MOST of the time). Nobody’s perfect!

    Liked by 8 people

  49. Separated From The Flock says:

    This is great insight Dr. Perry. My father was judgemental and critical of me as a child and I repeated this behavior in my adult relationships. Awareness and consciousness of our behaviors and the why behind them is a great start; we then have to do the hard work required to become better versions of ourselves so as not to perpetuate the flaws of the older generations.

    Liked by 7 people

  50. Marsh Buice says:

    Doc I love this one. “The Law Of Allowance” I’ve learned albeit the hard way that you get what you allow. If you do the inner work of positive self-care and as you grow internally you allow less b.s. externally.

    Liked by 10 people

  51. Sam says:

    There are so many negative behaviors that I have allowed in the past. Moving forward I am setting healthier boundaries.

    Liked by 6 people

  53. odell01 says:

    It appears you have something constructive and distinct in the works. I am sure your “Reframe Your Pain” group will go well.

    Helping people uncover their problems in relationships is a kind undertaking. I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 7 people

  54. nickihodgepodge says:

    Amazing post! This message came at a much needed time for me. You’re right- It’s so important to practice self awareness and break those cycles of what we allow.

    Liked by 11 people

  56. Kate Hufstetler says:

    I have allowed abusive behavior in my past. I am only now digging up the origins. I recently just remembered a couple incidents from childhood where my dad was VERY angry and acted out. It was a bit shocking because I never thought of my dad as angry but almost putting his fist through my face (i moved just in time and he ripped the vinyl chair) because I cussed in a whisper all the way down the hall from him… that is anger.
    Obviously it is not just one incident but I have to be very mindful now to watch for the beginning signs of disrespect. It never starts with physical acts.

    Liked by 7 people

  57. Matt says:

    This is right on! “It is important to point out that the allowance of negative behaviors, from people in your life, is not because of a law of attraction but has everything to do with the law of allowances” Life is all about what you allow to blossom!

    Liked by 6 people

  58. Jamie Joseph says:

    Love this post! I am just now getting to the point where I can feel confident setting the right boundaries. Thank you for the confirmation. Sometimes I start doubting myself and start sliding backwards.

    Liked by 6 people

  59. justjanke says:

    This is profound; it challenges you to think, to assess, to feel, while still opening your eye to anew. This touched me in a way that most words can not. Your writing is beautiful.

    Liked by 6 people

  62. Risingfromtheashes says:

    This post resonated with me so much. When I was younger I let so many people walk all over me because I felt like I wasn’t worth much. I learned this from my family. I am older and wiser now. What you say about the negative core belief is so true!

    Liked by 5 people

  64. Michele at Lilacs & Rust says:

    Very interesting perspective. The first two sentences of your post are me exactly. It is such a hard prison to break free of when everyone is insisting you are the problem, not them. The philosophy re: “it takes two to tango” suddenly becomes a language they do not speak. Things will not change so you either must end the dance or continue as it has always been.

    I can identify with a lot of what you wrote, especially what we allow and what our boundaries are, if they even exist. Maybe I waited too long to establish them or even use them and most of the people around me refused to accept them. They expect-rather, demand-you remain the same person you were as a child and/or the person you were before you stood up for yourself. If not, you are not worth their time or trouble. It is a humiliating lesson to find out you care about people who think so little of you.

    Liked by 6 people

  65. luckynomes says:

    This speaks directly to me and as it appears, many of us have had boundaries stomped on far too many times that they seem to not matter anymore. As a child, I grew up with a step father who was always a yeller and I could never do anything right. He was hard to please and vein easily angered I found myself molding my own moods depending on how he was going to be. It was exhausting (and created much anxiety) in my adult life. He is no longer apart of my life but unfortunately, I find myself lying down my boundaries still to appease others (as expected usually men) and the more I’ve done so, the less it seems to hurt. I have reflected a ton on boundaries and every time I stick with one, it is a small victory but gives me my own independence back. Thank you for sharing such an insightful post.

    Liked by 6 people

  68. Kansasborn says:

    Awesome post. I love the “law of allowances” I don’t believe in the law of attraction. It’s silly to think I am attracting the band people who come into my life. I think it’s about what you allow ( as you explain in this great post!) it’s all about healthy boundaries!

    Liked by 5 people

  70. Sharon says:

    Awesome post as always!! I am beginning a journey of trying to learn to implement boundaries in my life- something that I’ve never had… and this is not an easy journey. How can you truly practice something that you don’t truly understand, or feel you deserve…(at least that is what was shown to me growing up). Thanks for all the wonderful posts you share, they are always so insightful!!

    Liked by 5 people

  71. NoAirs says:

    This is so true. Thank you for your post. I allowed myself to compromise my values and allowed my spouse to manipulate and convince me that my reality was different than it was. I was correct, and should not have allowed this. However, like you said, it stems from a childhood pattern of being dismissed and constantly dealing with gaslighting.

    Liked by 4 people

  73. Authentikei says:

    Wonderful post, as usual. I’ve been trying to pat myself on the back more when it comes to more realistic, yet positive thinking about myself. My self-destructive thoughts give my anxiety a crutch and I’m so over it. No more destined failures. Like you said, it’s important to try and unlearn unhealthy behaviors from the past.

    Liked by 6 people

  76. Musings&Roses says:

    I love this post. I usually remind myself people’s treatment towards me don’t matter but how much I am willing to allow. Thank you for putting thought into words

    Liked by 4 people

  77. 312lifestyle says:

    Another great post Dr. Perry. My mom went into a wheelchair when I was two years old so I became a caretaker at a young age my parents were loving but I felt a very strong sense of responsibility to be there for my mom. As an adult I end up in long-term relationships with unhealthy men, they always have an addiction issue and are abusive in someway or another. When they act forgiving and want me back I can’t help but do this Saint thing where I forgive them, feel needed again, and go back only to be in the same situation.
    I’m figuring it out and I can finally say I love myself. So thank you for your posts they always help give me a new perspective!

    Liked by 4 people

  78. Ladysag77 says:

    Wow, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the synchronicity of this post and a few others I had read. Boundaries and behaviors are the foremost concepts that I myself am working on and learning to unravel from my programmed conditioning as a child. I find it very refreshing and validating to read about this very topic by many in the mental health field currently. This tells me I am doing the work and am on the right path.
    I too agree, it’s about self awareness first and then figuring out what I want from my relationships with everybody in my life.
    For instance, my mother has BPD and my father is emotionally absent so therefore chaos and trauma were ingrained into what I expected from both of them. I believe that my core needs weren’t met as a result of my parents limited abilities and that very much impacted my own core beliefs.
    I have spent most of my life in therapy and the last 10 years on a spiritual journey in search of my authentic self. So much of that has been revealed to me in just the past 6 months. It’s like meeting myself for the 1st time. I appreciate reading and and gaining advice from your blog Dr. Perry, thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

  79. Deetra La'Rue says:

    Dr. Perry,

    This post was everything, and no doubt gave me insight and no doubt a perfectly logical explanation, as to the “law of allowances” I’ve “allowed” for years. Your statement, “You cannot expect something you haven’t seen”, is so profound and eye-opening. Thank you for such a fantastic read!

    Liked by 4 people

  80. oldheartnewstart says:

    Ugh, I’m just now learning this. For some reason it feels like if I love someone, that means they should get (and I should give them) whatever they want. It’s so hard, especially when there’s already a pattern in the relationship, to create a newer, healthier way of interacting.

    I’ve been practicing with small steps though. I’m allowed to say ‘enough is enough’ to inappropriate behaviors!

    Liked by 4 people

  81. Amber says:

    I felt while reading that this post has been written for me. I allow so many wrong behaviours in my life and yes I can say that is all what I am carrying from my childhood. Allowing people to take advantage of me, making unreasonably extra efforts to make people stay in my life, over forgiving so that peolple don’t leave me, people whom I should let go in the first place.

    Liked by 4 people

  82. agenturherzensfreude says:

    Great 👍 post! I often need to stop myself to help others too much, because I get easily exhausted. Setting boundaries in private and at work are important. Toxic people are everywhere and we need set a healthy border between “real people” who seek for help “or toxic people” who want to use our helper heart.

    Liked by 4 people

  83. pointsofsue says:

    As I have gotten older and learned to recognise the negative in others I think my personal boundaries have grown, and what I would have tolerated in my 20s I will stamp down on in my 50s. I think that comes with age, and I also realise that my experience is not something I can pass onto my children but rather I let them learn from their mistake and from the unhealthy people who came and went from their lives…as I firmly believe it is only be experience that we create a healthier life and learn to appreciate and love ourselves more.

    Liked by 4 people

  85. Vihani says:

    When I was young, I would allow people to treat me poorly cause I was scared of loosing them in my life. But as I grow up I realized that setting up boundaries and living up-to standards are so very important. I believe that these standards are the foundation of loving relationships. Thanks a lot for sharing this article. You have nicely put the idea into words.

    Have a wonderful day 😊

    Liked by 4 people

  86. dewofmay says:

    great post Dr. Perry. Growing older I have learnt about the “laws of allowance” from mere experiences in life and I like how you have defined it so well in this post.

    Liked by 4 people

  87. Angie says:

    Powerful and true. I am one of the lucky ones. I dealt with my horrible upbringing while I was going through it through the benefits of therapy. I continued on well into my early 30’s not only to understand the difference between positive and negative behaviors (within myself and others) but to learn how to set acceptable (by me) boundaries.
    Great read!

    Liked by 4 people

  88. Talwas says:

    I always look forward to reading your psycho- educational posts. If only educational institutions presented psychology as interestingly as you!

    Liked by 5 people

  89. 🌸Mase🌸 says:

    This post couldn’t have popped up on my reader at a better time. This is what I’ve been struggling with lately and exactly what I needed to read.Thank you for this piece Dr.

    Liked by 5 people

  91. Frames of Life Blog says:

    A good reflection of self is needed to initiate change. Childhood shaped us, and it’s not easy to change an idea planted since younger age. Very informative on awareness of behaviour. Thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

  92. Laura says:

    As always, a thoughtful and insightful post. I like the idea of the “law of allowances.” Building boundaries is such an important task in life. I really do believe in neural plasticity and I think that we can re-parent ourselves, as long as we remain mindful and observe our responses – which requires feeling them in the first place. This in itself is a huge act of courage. Thank you for such a wonderful post and sharing your insights!

    Liked by 4 people

  97. The Goddess Wendy says:

    I am a very big believer in the notion that you can only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and I just made up my mind to change my life and then did it. No matter what it took or how much it cost me, I was determined to get out. I am very strong minded these days and I am vigilant about what behaviors towards me that I will allow…I shut negative ones down immediately. I am very impressed with you, sir.

    Liked by 2 people

  100. Kristi says:

    I think my biggest mistake is jumping into relationships too quickly before really getting to know the person first. I know I need to slow that down!!

    Liked by 5 people

  101. BellaDour says:

    I couldn’t agree more. For me, talking to my therapist helps. Reliving certain experiences and what I felt in the moment, what triggers me and why helps uncover a lot of those behaviors/patterns I was accustomed to. Although it’s uncomfortable, it’s crucial in your self-discovery journey and the healing process.

    Liked by 3 people

  102. Samuel Moring s. says:

    Sorry for my bad English,
    Thnk you so much for your time to write this article. This topic just hit me to the point, feels like I have found what affected my relationships the most. Especially with my parents, and my brother/sister. I have copied my parents, the way they talk, they always use anger to communicate with each other. And so do I, and they didn’t realize it.

    Liked by 3 people

  103. silencethecrowd says:

    Birds of a feather flock together right? Surround yourself with negativity or people of low moral etc. then this will eventually pass onto you. Most people should surround themselves with caring people, encouraging, uplifting and loving. Or, like me, be like a black Rhino. You don`t need anyone, because you are strong enough to take on the world as it is. Having this mentality, having learned from your mistakes and living by some key fundamentals to drive forward is key. Understand your strengths, you will be surprised! Good family and friends – take it as a bonus, not your fundamental support but something to be grateful for. Great Post.

    Liked by 3 people

  104. Britz3587@gmail.com says:

    This is definitely something I needed to come across today as well. I seem to attract negative behaviors in my life everywhere I go. When I was in college, I seemed to be incredibly manipulative. I tried to be in control of every situation, no matter the person. I think this seemed to be the case because, at certain times, I would feel used or unappreciated, so I wanted to be in control. Today, now 10 years out of college I am not as manipulative, I am the complete opposite, however I have become a lot more argumentative. I seem to argue quite a bit with my spouse, over stupid circumstances.

    Liked by 3 people

  105. thediarybyheart says:

    Thanks for writing this. I m currently going through a not so good relationship with my parents. We can’t understand each others points and being in my mid twenties, I feel pressurised by them on almost everything starting from career to getting married. This blog is perfect!

    Liked by 2 people

  106. tashtalkstuesdays says:

    Law of allowances, what an interesting take. Boundary setting is huge and difficult to do, I appreciate you sharing this as a friendly reminder to myself. One of my struggles is the ability to keep my feelings to myself, I often feel like I owe everyone/anyone an explanation of my inner thoughts and emotions (to wear my heart on my sleeve). Great post Dr. Perry!

    Liked by 3 people

  107. Njoki W says:

    Phenomenal piece. I’ve been learning how to set boundaries over time. This year I decided to apply the knowledge when 2 of my close friends crossed the line. Of course they were unhappy when I spoke out and we had to take time apart (Yes, that’s how serious I was.) One is coming around, the other not yet and I’m okay. I now have the confidence to choose my boundaries over unhealthy relationships.

    Liked by 3 people

  108. brandib1977 says:

    The timing of this is interesting. I have been single for some time now and have a happy, full life on my own. However, for the first time this weekend, I thought that the trip I was on would be more fun with a partner.

    My pattern is that I choose men who are more passionate about their work and hobbies than they will ever be about me. On my own, I’m fiercely independent but with them I lose myself in their hobbies, their schedules, and what works for them.

    I live in a rural area where there are few men in my dating pool so it’s a moot point but it is something that has been on my mind. Thank you for providing more food for thought!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  109. M. says:

    Great post, really liked it and this is soooo true. I allowed a narcissist person to enter into my life -twice – the apology she gave me convinced me the second time, even after a lot of abuse and big lies like cheating, lying about being married and having a son, where I almost lost my job, money, my friends and family. Decided like there was no more important decision to make than to cut this toxic behavior FOR ME and my peace, and go NC at all, she tryed to contact me again, calling me at work but i ignored and the only thing that I told her is that there is no more important thing for me than my values and my peace. Now I feel different, like if I left behind the heviest bag of sand that I was carrying. I didn’t notice but I looked consumed and sad, but know I am more energized and I have time for my friends and family.

    Liked by 3 people

  110. jessymunch826 says:

    Awareness is huge and taking responsibility. I grew up in a very negative environment and have to distance myself sadly still from family due to the negativity they have and mindset. I have learned to not allow myself around it, I don’t follow it (hence why it was easier to delete insta rather than a bunch of people) and I fully believe you are who you surround yourself with, so I’m pretty pick about who and what is in my life. Mindset is everything to me, I am so proud when I see some of the important things in life coming out in my son:)

    Liked by 2 people

  111. Brandon Ellrich says:

    I agree that awareness of one’s negative core beliefs is key to learning to overcome them. One of mine is that I am not good enough at anything. But I have, after a long time, accepted that I am talented in certain areas and I don’t mind critique. I look at it as a learning opportunity rather than a failure.

    Liked by 1 person

  112. Sparkyjen says:

    I am willing to allow light and love in my life. 65 years of experience has taught me to choose wisely what I allow in, and what I encourage to get out. Of course, I must be willing to give as good as I get.

    Liked by 2 people

  113. josborne17602 says:

    As with so many of your posts, this one felt like it was directed right at me! In my home growing up, the only time a child got attention was for having done something wrong, and that attention was always an overdone form of physical discipline, So, I learned to be the quiet and invisible child to avoid having to occur welt-leaving spankings with a thick, wooden paddle. Although I’ve learned to speak up more and make myself known more, I only do it with people I have come to know and trust. In a group of strangers, I’m still the wall flower, uncomfortable stepping into a conversation for fear it will have a negative impact. I have, however, begun to walk away from a few very toxic relationships in which I was able to realize that I didn’t want to keep company with those people whose lives revolve around drama.

    Liked by 2 people

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